Assignment 3 – Discovering Self???

09Nov09

Reflecting upon the sessions so far, I have to admit that I was comfortable. I had no emotional experiences except for perhaps two distinct moments; and I should that say that I tried to align myself with the activities of the sessions. The two distinct moments were the one when we all were sitting blindfolded and the other session when we all were engrossed in a discussion about love. I have already detailed my thoughts from the ‘moments in the dark’. I have tried recollecting any remarkable experiences or feelings from other sessions but nothing comes across prominently. So I would try to write something based on the assignment description.

I remember one particular question to me by the instructor – what does responsibility mean to you? I thought hard about it since then and I know one thing, that I am not comfortable with responsibilities. I am not the one to come forward and accept responsibilities and very reluctant about it when it is thrust upon me. I believe there are two basic reasons for this. Part of my reluctance is I don’t like working with people – instructing, directing or demanding work from them. I easily get annoyed when people don’t do the work assigned to them on time or as expected. Also, I know I can be lazy at times (exactly like now when I am completing this assignment way beyond the deadline and I know it is solely due to my laziness than anything else) and I, myself, am not very prompt about timelines and sometimes involvement. So there is this unending conflict within me every time when I have to get a work done. At times I am very much lax with people and other times uncompromisingly harsh. This really makes me uncomfortable working with people. The other part of the reason on why I don’t enjoy sharing responsibilities is pretty much related to my laziness.  I don’t know why but I feel contempt for timelines and I tend to push any pressing work till the last possible moment.  Sometimes I do have the urge and involvement to take up a challenge but then it dies away quickly and it’s very hard to find a similar drive when I require it most. I have this voice inside my head telling me that “no it is not what I wanted” and then I stray far from what I have been doing. It is not odd to find me doing something completely unrelated when I need to really do something else. For instance, as I am writing this I have, for umpteen times, diverted myself into completely unrelated stuff as reading about historical kingdoms etc. I really don’t understand this. I tend to do whatever I feel in an instant, even though I know that I may regret it later. I lack focus and concentration.

And there is a striking remark of being an observer that the instructor made about me that I think is right in a sense. I silently observe things, but rarely do I appreciate what I like or sulk explicitly at which that I don’t. I like watching people. But even as I consciously observe things I can get lost in my thoughts.

During the various exercises my choice of partners or groups was not proactive. I didn’t choose anybody, though many a times I wanted to. I was interested in knowing few people, but I couldn’t lead myself to go to them. Yet I avoided many. I avoided those whom I had strong opinions and reservations. I avoided people whom I thought as show offs or superficial. Thinking about it now I can tell that these were opinions that I formed about those people just by observing them and not knowing them properly. I know I judge people very quickly and I very much avoid those whom I see as shallow, inconsiderate, over-confident etc. Ultimately most of my partners for various exercises were people whom I like or whom I knew well and whom I did consider as good friends.

I would like that others think about me as a considerate and knowledgeable individual. I carry myself as a carefree and fun loving person. I am not sure of exactly how people think about me unless and until I talk to them on a very intimate level. I generally have very bad mood swings. Often I have a strange sense of anxiety and other times I am calm.

I have never been in a relationship. If somebody asks me what love means to me then I am not sure of how I would answer it. Perhaps love means sharing feelings and small moments of joy. Love is something for which one is ready to make sacrifices for the joy and well being of the loved ones. I have had my share of crushes. I have never expressed my feelings to anyone and I really don’t know why. Probably I am afraid and not confident. I think about what others may think and that I shouldn’t sound silly. But this alone is not the reason. I would like to believe in ‘love at first sight’ and waiting for the moment when a mere sight of somebody would captivate me.

I know that I am not very good at speaking, especially when the conversation is not on a personal and intimate level. I am bad at expressing myself and sometimes I find words drying up. I get conscious of myself and generally do not speak about my personal opinions with as much clarity that I would want to.

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Tags: reflections, Obscure, dream, questions, self-discovery

Inspired!!!

09Oct09

yeah… I am a very inspired guy… did u know???

No??? never mind… My inspirations never get beyond what it exactly and precisely it is – inspirations. I mean it starts, continues for a few days and then ends as an inspiration before I am inspired again by something new.

Let me tell about my inspirations over the past few months… for may be a year now.

One fine morning (lets assume its a morning, but it could be otherwise), I feel inspired to blogging because I am inspired by something which I wrote years ago as a teenager… So I start writing my first post and feel happy about it and then I start writing the next. I get serious about it and so my blog is getting updated every few days. I write about anything and I consider everything around as a potential blog post!!! Every small incident or the significant ones. You know, I am inspired and I wanted to keep writing. But then I run out of air… Ever tried blowing a balloon and then just leaving it without a knot to secure the inflation? The air rushes out, propelling the balloon into weirdly circular or rather spiral paths of motion. The motion is vigorous initially but  as the pressure within the balloon decreases with deflation the propulsion fizzles out. So my blogging inspiration fizzles out… but then there are these odd days when I punch in something hastily and post it. Other days I just unwillingly complete a draft started ages ago (after I completely forget on why exactly I wanted to write  that particular post)… My enthusiasm was so much that at one point I changed my status messages in gtalk, orkut etc linking to a post as I added it. I pinged my friends with my blog link and it was a daily routine to search for widgets etc. in desperate attempts to spice my blog; it didn’t last long… Now I don’t care if somebody reads anything in my blog or not. Sometimes I like reading through my own blog and wondering at what I felt or thought when I wrote those posts…

Then there was a short spell when I was immersed in reading – I finished 6 books bulky enough (fiction and non-fiction at the rate of two per week). It stopped abruptly, even before the fizzling out of the ‘blogging inspiration’. Later I grew interested in health and tried increasing my fitness quotient with some success- I started jogging hard, I started following a diet and little football now and then. Next, I wanted to write short stories. I was constantly thinking about it – creating plots, fitting in characters, imagining situations, playing out with words. And this period also coincided with listening to rock – you know Led Zep, Floyd, Dire Straits, Nirvana n all… Then there was this ’spell of cleanliness’ where I washed, ironed my clothes, got the room cleaned almost daily. Seeing the current state of my room and the huge pile of soiled clothes on the chair across the bed, its almost funny now…

For few days I was hooked up with swimming; the pool is 8 kms away and I would go whenever possible (less frequently these days). Then there was this period of continuous movie watching – only foreign movies of the likes of Kieslowski, Almodvar etc. This all lead to another inspiration, especially the ‘Dekalog’ series. Now I really wanted to make movies, short films and even discussed a couple ideas with friends. Its now strange to note that during this period I was almost convinced of starting on the movie projects the very next day. But I was also constantly aware that it is nothing but the familiar temporal thoughts. Anyway all my scripts are still fresh, in my head. Thinking about movies I also got inspired to do some photography. I am not sure if I can even use the word ‘photography’. The word sounds very grand and I am not sure if I know anything about it. But I liked some of the clicks…

The current fad is trekking and exploring. I have been out to jungles, mountains or beaches every weekend now for the past 5 weeks. I am anxious, and wonder if it too would fizzle out. And just yesterday as I was reading “Maximum City” in a lecture (and of course  inspired by it),  something occurred  to me, why not write a book? I discussed with a couple of friends and they were excited about it. So I now know what’s going to run all the time in my head for the next few days…. before its lost amongst other things…

Really, there are many things that inspire me… I am an inspired man. Should inspirations always lead to actions???

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Tags: blogging, cinema, inspirations, Photography, questions, Travel

Realizations after few moments in the dark

02Oct09

(thoughts that crossed my mind when I was sitting blindfolded amongst many others in similar state as part of an exercise in the course “Discovering Self”; things that I always knew about myself but it never occurred to me that all the seemingly random dots could be connected giving rise to some sort of a crude self-portrait.)

The way through darkness…

I am not afraid of the dark. I never was. Perhaps because of growing in scarcely populated rural surroundings or just by nature – I would attribute it to a mixture of both. Darkness was an inevitable part of my life then as it is for millions there even now. Every evening I used to cycle home on my way back from school and often the night used to darkest as it could be. Riding my bicycle with a fair assumption of the potholes in the familiar road or searching for the kerosene lamp during the frequent power cuts perhaps made me very familiar to the feeling of dark. I always knew this, but today it’s just reaffirmed. After blindfolding me, the first thing I did was to explore the room and measure its dimensions. I successfully found a water bottle which I had noticed earlier. I was busy in finding the switchboards and counting the number for switches etc. When I bumped into any of the other blindfolded members I invariantly ended up patting them or shaking hands with them, perhaps to convey a sense of solidarity in the similarity of exploration we were in, both together and separately. Occasionally people would come in touch rather awkwardly, and many were quick to apologize, which I couldn’t understand even then and now. I thought the apologies didn’t make sense as each one of us was blindfolded and the seemingly accidental brushes were all but expected, however awkward.

The Journey or the Destination?

As these thoughts were crossing my mind I could hear the course instructor talking about things which sounded unfamiliar to me. He was speaking of various feelings that one might have experienced during the exercise. This set me on another chain of thoughts. I felt reassured because I considered an explorer always eager to experience different things and situations. In comparison to others I have always been open, confident and comfortable, or even familiar when things could get little unfamiliar. But it also occurred to me that in certain expected situations, like an interview, where things were bound to move unpredictably I have not always been the best, at least to others. Why? Maybe I wasn’t concerned about the direction of the flow of things and I was just happy to go with the flow rather than maneuvering the entire affair as somebody else would have wanted. This is exactly the case in many situations, like exams. Exams are always fun to me regardless of the grades I score or the level of difficulty. I seldom study for the exams and attend one as a test for my knowledge in the subject. My simple logic is that whatever I study for the exams would be forgotten even before it is evaluated. I’d rather go and attend it with whatever I know; which is more likely to be recalled over a longer duration.

So, I am more concerned about the experience I get out of something rather than the results that the others value. Perhaps this explains the sense of void that I feel now and then. I feel or rather I know that when I look back I have nothing to be proud of or nothing that I can be ashamed of. Sometimes I look back at my life and wonder if I had come far from where I begun. But I don’t think that I feel proud or happy about it. Maybe I know that I will wander even farther, directionless for I feel I can have no destination.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt:

Talking about strange feelings and sensations often I might be a perfect example for the maxim “familiarity breeds contempt”. The previous few months have been happy and perhaps the sole reason being my escapades from familiarity. Also during the escapades I got acquainted with many people, got to know a few of them better. I feel so happy and comfortable the past few days, unlike phases of uneasiness and depression that I have had in the past.

I Talk?

Talking about personal relations I don’t think that I ever speak out my true feelings, at least not to except a chosen few. Amongst strangers or friends or even amongst people I merely know, I seldom talk about my true feelings, my likes or dislikes or opinions. I try to be accommodating. I don’t want to be blunt even offend someone a little. I choose to rather suppress myself than offending others. I rarely speak. But when people get close to me they know that I rather choosy about things. I am highly opinionated and can be adamant on my choices. Some who think know me enough, take my choices for granted. This rather creates an uncomfortable situation and I can be very harsh hurting those who mistook me. It has happened quite often and even resulted in certain relations seeing a sour end.

I talk a lot to myself. My thoughts are articulated well within my head. I find the right words and I argue with myself in a nice sense of structure. But what happens when I want to express myself either by writing or speaking? I come across as incoherent with disjointed thoughts. Suddenly words dry up and I feel suffocated. I end up speaking much less and perhaps even much different than I would have wanted to. Rather odd. Or not, perhaps I do not think of the exact words that I should use or the exact sentence to speak before actually speaking.

Impulsive…

Why is that so? Because I am very impulsive… My decisions are always made in a split second. I might have been contemplating something for long, but when it comes to decision making it is impulsive and based on the feeling and thought at that precise moment. Leave alone the arguments and the counter. It is also perhaps I am not able to speak properly or that I seek pleasure just in experience of a pointless journey than a well charted course. I am least concerned about the beginning or the end….

And I am not sure if all this will lead me somewhere or end up as a rather boring, sad episode…

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Tags: emotions, My Life, Obscure, pleasure, questions, reflections, self-discovery

Who Am I???

02Oct09

(something which I wrote for a course named “Discovering Self”)

The bus is crowded.  It is like I am stuck between a mass of flesh and sweat. The air smells of sweat and talcum powder and rusty iron… I have been standing in the same position for long and my feet have grown numb. There is no movement except those due to the jerks of the bus when it comes to a sudden stop or runs carelessly over one of the numerous potholes. It is as if I have been swaying to and fro with the mass but I have no movement of my own. The air blowing in from the window is hot, as from a furnace…

The car is moving fast. The cold blast from the air conditioner should be a great comfort in comparison to the ferocity of the heated wind just beyond the glass panes… beyond the confines of the car. As I lean back I notice that the seat is covered with expensive beige. The road should be good or the suspension of the car is extremely efficient for I feel nothing – no bumps or awkward jolts as in the bus. I enjoy the view, the entire landscape just beyond the tar till the horizon…

I am not sure which ride should I take, assuming that I have the privilege of choice. I ride the bus and I know I will get drained. But I know that there would nothing as comforting as the feeling of finally reaching the destination. Just the simple fact of have reached the destination will give a strange sense of satisfaction and which will justify the labor of the journey. Or I can take the car and ride in comfort. I can enjoy the landscape and feel good about it. But at the end would it be same. I know that the journey in itself would be pleasurable but it won’t give me the feeling of reaching somewhere…

I would choose either but I don’t know what until I have made the choice. I know that even the choice wouldn’t be made till the last instant possible. And the choice when made would not be based on expectations but rather the impulse in that split moment.

Sometimes I wonder at what I want. But I have no answer. I feel I have no real ambitions but I dream. I dream about the future staring at the rotating fan against the empty ceiling. I am walking down a busy road and I hear none of the cacophony and something else goes in my head. But when I am lying down in the silence of an empty room I see and hear the cacophony of a busy road. I read a book and I like the story as I see myself in someone’s imagination. But I don’t know what story I am writing with my life. I can eat with a destitute or in the swanky restaurants that dot the city streets and like both equally. I like the feeling on being atop a hill, above everything else in sight and feeling big. I like staring at the vast sea and feel nothing. Some days I want to work hard and so hard that I don’t feel tired because I have been numbed by the effort. Other days I just want to do nothing, absolutely nothing. These are days when I feel that even eating a meal is too tiresome, so I just sleep the whole day doing nothing and feel the void.

I am caught and torn between the two. I like both and want it. I want everything. Or maybe I want nothing. I really don’t know.

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Tags: dream, emotions, happiness, My Life, Obscure, reflections